I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I will pee on everything he values.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
