Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
