I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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