I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize