I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize