I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
