omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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