I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
