going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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