Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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