I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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