I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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