i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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