so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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