dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
