...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
