We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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