is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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