Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
