YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
