There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
