I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
