Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
not ubering you a puppy
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize