Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
