you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
