This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
