Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
