so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
