Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
