I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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