hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
