there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
she woke up with a sticky ear
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
