Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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