I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We have started to decorate penises.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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