I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
