i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
