The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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