i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize