I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
