FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We're too hungover to prance.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
