thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
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