I hate all girls vehemently.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
