Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize