I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
