life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
