I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
