The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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