i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
