She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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