she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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