Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
