I want to make a zoo with you.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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