I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
