He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
