I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
